Preview

Hi everyone:

I'm trying to work out what I will be saying at Becky and Dan's wedding. This is a daunting task. I thought the best way to handle it would be to leave it up for public comment. Becky, this way you can preview it, too. Here's what I hope to say:

I was very grateful and flattered that Becky and Dan asked me to speak at this day, the most important day of their lives. Of course I immediately developed writer's block. Luckily, I rediscovered a book I had purchased a few years back, Seeds of Hope: A Henri Nouwen Reader. Father Nouwen was a Roman Catholic priest, an educator who taught at several seminaries and theological institutes prior to embarking on life-changing work with people with mental disabilities. Although Father Nouwen never married, he had beautiful insight into the nature of love. I would like to share some of his words with you today:

"Love asks for total disarmament...in love men and women take off all forms of power, embracing each other in total disarmament. When through the careful growth of their relationship men and women have come to the freedom of total disarmament their giving also becomes forgiving...their ultimate vulnerability becomes the core of their mutual strength. Power kills. Weakness creates. It creates autonomy, self-awareness, and freedom. It creates openness to give and receive in mutuality."

These words resonated with me, because they seemed so true. When you get married, you need to take off your battle armor. Relationships with other people-all relationships, not just dating relationships-make us world-weary. Even in the best of friendships or family relationships, one can have the tendency to think, "What is his or her angle? What does he or she want?" Marriage requires the total suspension of this judgment. Marriage should preclude holding a grudge against one's spouse, because there will be inevitable disappointments along the way. There will be times when minor offenses-improper folding of towels, forgetting to buy toilet paper, not replacing DVD's in their proper cases-will get on a spouse's nerves. The marriage will be an environment of perfect give and take.

Father Nouwen also noted that at the core of marriage is the idea of weakness and vulnerability. A similar notion is at the center of twelve step programs. In any of the "Anonymous" programs is the idea each person is weak, and the group together is strong because of its weakness. Each person make be weak and strong in different ways. The beauty of marriage is how spouses complement each other.

The passage I quoted also explains that, ultimately, in this environment of total trust, total vulnerability, and total weakness, the spouses can grow and achieve self-awareness. In this marriage the spouses can totally be themselves, more freely than they can be in the outside world. This complete openness should be liberating.

I wish Dan and Becky all the happiness in the world. May you be fully open to one another. May your weaknesses and strengths work together for the good of your union and of the world. In this marriage, may you together become the people God is calling you to be.